What the...?

So, here's one of my current struggles.

See, I'm an adult now, and I've been a step parent, in a mostly nudist household, with a growing young child. Specifically: I've a male body and the child was female, and curious.

Over the years, we had several encounters with sexual aspects. And, because of my concerns about this issue and insinuations that I was doing something wrong, I finally printed out every bit of law I could get my hands on and gave them to her to read.

Well, within a few months a police officer charged me with something or another related to this issue. I was accused of child abuse, and my step daughter was eventually placed with another family by child protective services, and the charges against me were dropped.

But here's the kicker: I did not engage in sex with her. And, I was told (by her mother) that after being placed with this other family she was engaging in frequent sex, involving her and both of her foster parents.

This was when she was in her early teens (13-ish, if I recall correctly).

There's obviously much more detail to this story than what I am going into, here. But this experience has definitely given me a new perspective on the nature of law and society, on religion, on justice, and on myself.

And I keep coming back, again and again, to one phrase, to help me make sense of this:

It's a free country.

Just to be clear:

(a) It's possible that my "abuse" consisted of not satisfying her needs for intimacy, and

(b) It's practically impossible to hold a sane discussion on this topic, and

(c) I think society is going to have to come to terms with this kind of issue, at least somewhat. And, so am I.

Which leads back to this blog. I'm spending far too much time running over these issues, back and forth, in my head. And I'm hoping that if I can put some of this down in words that I'll be able to come closer to a self-consistent view of at least my own position.

Er...

This is the internet, where we can see many things, and yet each of us has our own view on things.

In my case, I am struggling with my sexuality, and how it has intertwined with others. I am convinced that society is offtrack, and that many people would disagree with me.

And I've struggled to put these ideas into words - words are inherently limiting and routinely carry implications which are different from what I want them to say. But nothing is perfect.

So here's one snapshot on my life:

I "lost my virginity" when I was three. As a result, I have an intense interest in issues of child sexuality. And, I am now an adult, which means this interest is "creepy". So I feel I need to outline, in some broad brush strokes, some of my view on this issue and what it means.

First, in my country (the USA), the predominantly expressed view of child sexuality seems to be one which has its roots in the history of the Catholic Church. "Sexuality is sinful." People get really upset and contemptuous while talking about this issue. And yet, historical records and recent news show that Popes and priests are pedophiles, often enough. So what is going on here?

I know I have felt a strong urge to live a reclusive existence, and I am not even Catholic. So I wonder if there's some deeper issue here.

I've noticed that other people who have admitted to early child sexual experiences have tended to be smarter than average, and quieter than average. And I'm also wondering if that kind of issue has had anything to do with the evolution of how society treats this kind of issue.

I see from various statistics and I understand from hints and rumors that many younger children (millions) have sexual experiences that generally are not talked about.

And I know from my own past that the way people react was far. far more disturbing than the experience itself.

There's more, much more, that I have to say. But I'll just note one other thing, right now:

What happened to me was legal, and there are a variety of loopholes in the law that make some amount of child sexual contact with older people legal (I've spent a lot of time reading legal code and what people have written about it). But legality doesn't mean a lot when people are upset. And people get incredibly upset about sexual issues.

Meanwhile, there are things which the law prohibits which probably ought not be prohibited.

Does it sound like I am in favor of adult/child sexual relations? 

I am and I am not. My feelings and reasoning about this issue are far too complex for me to say that I approve of how the issue gets handled. But at the same time, I see mechanisms which pretty much guarantee that we (as society) are going to overreact and make things worse when we should be making them better.

This is not an easy issue to talk about. And the reflexive cruelty and hate we bring to discussions about sexuality and 

So...

So...

According to what I have heard, child porn is this horrible thing, and people who are interested in it are horrible people. And people offering anything to the contrary are shouted down.

This might be true of some people, but in my experience what we are really seeing here is how people love bullying other people.

If the logic were the case - that people are "monkey see, monkey do" reflex machines - then violent media would lead to violence in the people that watch it (as opposed to people on the other side of the world who have no opportunity to watch it, which is where the violence mostly happens).

Something similar goes on with pornography and with erotica and so on, in my experience. And you can see this statistically, as well.

My theory is that humans have a certain level of need for things like sex, and violence, and if these can be satisfied via media then these needs do not need to be satisfied using physical acts. So to get a population bubble, you forbid sex and then step back and laugh and the desperate people have their needs form bonds between them.

And if you want to prevent something, you allow its discussion and you allow media depicting it. Some will still happen, but statistically speaking you'll get far less than if you tried denying it.

That's my theory, anyways. But it matches statistics I've seen, about birthrates in modern societies, and it matches trends I've seen in society itself, and it matches my own experiences (I am working up to talking about some of my personal experiences - but I find being objective about my own experiences to be painfully difficult.)