Tuesday, June 3, 2014

This, for example

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/queens/queens-gym-teacher-raped-16-year-old-wrestler-school-prosecutors-article-1.1815445

Here's a tail of a school teacher "raping" one of her students.

But I am told that rape is violence, not sexuality.

Why do we not hear the stories of the supposed "victims" in these accounts? Where is journalistic integrity when the victim is declared to be one by other people and whose voice is never heard?

It's a disgusting process.

And, ok, yes, sexuality itself has elements of disgust in it. People are often not attractive. But so often it seems like people trying to help are making it worse.

And maybe that's the point? Maybe what we are secretly trying to do here is encourage rape?

That's more and more my conclusion - watching how society functions.

That doesn't mean I have to do it, though.

And maybe that's another point: maybe rape survivors are the positive benefit of this aspect of social structure? Maybe rape survivors are the geniuses and the leaders that try and make everything right for everyone else.

But that doesn't make sense from the viewpoint of good law. Or does it?

I don't get it.

Art, erotica, porn, rape, nature, morals, children, society

Everything I know is wrong?

This seems to be one of the lessons that need to consider.

Personally: I believe that there's a strong thread of sexual awareness in the context of children. And, we've a variety of social wrongs that center around this issue, going back deep into history.

In real life, I my first sexual encounter was when I was three years old. And my parents (and society) were so private about sexual issues that we never got to discussing this until I was an adult.

Furthermore, as best I understand - based on how I was raised, there's nothing actually wrong with sexuality in the context of children, as long as they are not hurt by it.

Furthermore, as best I understand - our current laws are crude approximations of what's right, developed in an age where children often wound up in graves.

So, as typically happens with anything involving people, we flinch away and overcompensate in some other direction.

Anyways, I feel like I should say more - a *lot* more. My personal experience, and much that I have read, having to do with exposure to depictions of sexuality in the context of children, just doesn't fit with so much of the hostility I've seen opposing it.

And I guess that's the thing. There's hostility opposing just about everything and everyone. Any public figure has to face considerable opposition and critique. And that's probably a good thing.

But I'm just not sure where to go with this. Every time I try looking for like minded individuals what I find disgusts me. My concept of sexuality is so... light? sensual?

So, ok, going back to how I was raised: I "lost my virginity" when I was three. And, through deception, my parents reinforced the idea that I should accept this as right. And they used to beat me, a lot. And hug me afterwards and tell me how much they loved me and that this was for my own good. And I have experienced far worse pains growing up, and as an adult than those beatings. Plus, they were both trained in education and as a result, I'm more than a little smart (though I hate admitting that - it gets in the way of people accepting me in social contexts). But when I was a teenager my love of reading and my attempts to live within the rules set by my parents meant that I basically had none of the normal social experiences. I stayed at home, reading literally thousands, tens of thousands of books of all sorts. (Including many that they explicitly did not approve of.)

Meanwhile, I find that society is not at all like they represented it. Most people are far more sexual than I. And to my eternal chagrin, I do not understand that.

Worse, people seem to be hurt by me, because I am not expressively sexual enough. Two people I was attracted to attempted suicide after I did not pay them enough sexual attention. One succeeded. The other was underage. And others have been hurt when I did not live up to their expectations.

So... do I have the courage to sacrifice my own future to satisfy the sexual needs of others? I feel that I should, but I do not.

Oh, and over the past years catholics (pedobaptists) have turned out to also have been engaging in both massive pedophilia as well as having been a primary source of the opposition against it.

Divided we fall...

So how to resolve this?

For myself, I've been (as an adult) exposed to massive amounts of free (non-violent, non-penetrative, but nude and explicit) "child porn". And, from my perspective "child porn" leads to injury of children about the same way that any other art leads to misbehavior.

My impression is that censorship of sexuality in the context of children is more for the benefit of adults than for the benefit of children. Children are tiring and people get to the point where they just don't want to deal with them. Meanwhile, sexuality is a part of a healthy life (and of an unhealthy life (and of basically everything)). We don't reason very well about anything.

Anyways...

It seems to me that a certain amount of child nudity and gentle eroticism might be a good thing. Otherwise, my life is a meaningless waste and should never have been.

But I do not know how to express this in a way that makes sense to other people. And I do not like hurting other people. And of course, there is so much more to life than a pure focus on sexuality.

Anyways, I'm inclined to let it happen, but even more than that, I think that anyone getting upset about the issue is culpable for the consequences of what happens when they shut down conversations on these issues.

So let me be clear: I think childhood sexuality can be a good thing, even when between adults and children, but not when imposed by adults. Not when it injures the child. Worse, there is no utopia here. Adults and children will always find things to be upset about. And there's a certain amount of humiliation involved in discussing any sexual subject.

But if I also feel that if we are going to solve the population crisis, we are going to have to face this issue head on. It seems to me that childhood sexuality, if treated properly, might even serve as an inoculation against many of the resulting ills of adulthood.

I just have no idea how that can work.

I can't find anybody whose opinion I respect on this issue.

And I'm terrified of trying to find out.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Everyone hurts.